Greetings from Justinland

  Does anyone else find this photo Oz-like?

Computers are like Old Testament gods; lots of rules and no mercy.
                                                                ~Joseph Campbell

A Christmas Miracle

Mom dumped dear ol’ Dad at the house early yesterday morning.  “I have GOT to get out and finish my shopping and the stores are going to be too crazy to take him along.”  Daddy gets a little over stimulated lately and then he gets agitated.

“No over stimulation at my house.” I tell her, because I have my Relaxing Christmas CD that I bought at Target a few years back.  It is mellower than a double dose of Xanax.

“He can help me wrap presents and we will have hot chocolate and cookies.”  Yeah, it’s a party.

“Are you wallpapering?” he asks, because the kitchen table is covered in red and gold striped shiny paper.  Well, that would be a look right out of the 80s.

“Nope, wrapping presents. Did you get your lovely wife a Christmas present? “I ask.  He is not sure what I am talking about.  I explain that Christmas is tomorrow.  This is news to him.  He thinks that ‘the girl’ has taken care of all that. 

‘The Girl’ is Mom.  Sometimes he remembers that she is his wife, but at other times she is his mother or some serving wench.  Imagine how much she loves it when he snaps his fingers for a refill on coffee. Alzheimer’s is an organic brain disease.  Its victims don’t behave like buttheads on purpose and you can’t take anything they do or say personally.

You can play your Relaxing Christmas CD and try to enjoy the moment, because it might get weird. “You had better have a present for that girl, Mister.” I scold. “Now, I am about to save your forgetful ass. Welcome to Christmas Boutique.  We are about to go shopping.”

I show Daddy a few of the gifts that we got for Mom.  He can pick one out and we will all pretend that he bought it. 

Don’t tell.

There is a denim blue chenille sweater, a calendar with American Songbirds, a book and some white gold, 1 carat bezel set Diamonique earrings.  Not wildly expensive earrings because they are Diamonique, but they LOOK expensive.

Well, Dad must have read my last blog entry because even through his dementia he goes right for the 'diamonds' and their little velvet box. “Good choice.”  I say

“Are you a jeweler?  Did you make these?” he asks. He has no idea who I am or what I do for a living.   I explain that they came from QVC.  He has never heard of QVC and is amazed to hear that you can buy stuff while watching teevee.  I agree that the 21st century is a remarkable place.  He insists that he pay for the earrings and takes out his wallet.  He has $2.  SOLD.

I make him wrap the package and ½ roll of tape later, a left handed gorilla could have done a prettier job, but its all about the process.  We add some gold ribbon.  He wants to know how the ribbon becomes curly when you zip it with your scissors.  I have no idea and he accepts it as a Christmas magic. I tell him that he has to address the gift tag. It is back to square one because by now he has forgotten what we are doing and why.  I am sad to see that he can barely write anymore, he uses ‘4’ instead of ‘For”  (and I don’t think it is a tribute to our friend , Ken)  He  misspells my Mother’s name.

There are more packages to wrap and he becomes very good at sticking out his index finger to hold the bow in place.  That is why all the presents this year will be excessively ribboned this year.  Daddy is a lot like a 250lb 2 year old.  He loves to help, but the ‘helper’ creates more work for the ‘helpee’.  We go through many rolls of Scotch Giftwrapping Tape.

Meanwhile the Target Relaxing Christmas CD plays on.  “I have heard this song before, I think ” he says .  Well, Yeah, I am thinking….it’s freaking Silent Night.  We have all heard it before.  Then a Christmas Miracle happens.  He starts singing along in his rich baritone.  He always had a great voice.

I’ll be damned it he doesn’t know all the words to all 3 verses.   

Crunch Time

IOk, it is crunch time, my little droogies and if your best laid plans of the mellow, non-commercial Christmas has fallen by the wayside and you have no hope of finishing that holiday knitting-baking-candlestick making, don’t despair.  I am here to help with last minute gifts.

For some reason, people come to me all the time to ask for gift advice and frankly, I have has some success.  And trust me; it is whaaay easier than marriage counseling. 

If there are any ladies on your list, any age, buy the biggest diamond stud earrings that you can afford.   No blenders or toaster ovens! No snowtires or tire pressure gauges.  Diamonds!  They don’t even have to be expensive.  I have seen price ranges between $29.99 and $15,000.  Don’t worry if she doesn’t have pierced ears either.  Who wouldn’t put a hole in their heads for diamonds?

But beware of ‘champagne diamonds’.  Champagne = brown with a good marketing plan.  It’s like a pig in lipstick.

Freshwater pearls have become really affordable in the last few years and they now rival the finest saltwater pearls. It’s another one of those areas where the Chinese are just kicking our economic butts.  Button earrings to 48 inch ropes.  Bare skin looks good with pearls. You can’t go wrong.

Everybody has to eat and drink, right?  If you have older folks on your gift list, they don’t want another wallet, knickknack or bathsalts. Unless you are a member of the Walton or Gates family, your grandparents would appreciate edible gifts.   Grapefruit and Western Kansas aged beef. …maybe some pepper bacon wrapped filets.

Now I am getting hungry.  Good thing I stocked up on Whole Foods Market Truffles.  Seriously,  the most decadent gift for any chocolate lover and the darn things are only $4.99.  You might want to consider a prettier box.

Your young nieces and nephews would appreciate a copy of Walter the Farting Dog.   If you can do it, pick up the accompanying Walter squeeze toy.  Yeah it’s rude. It is also funny.  My nephew Harry (age 4) loved it.

Older nephews are probably interested in 1) drugs 2) sex 3) rock and roll 4) sports or video games.  My 15 year old nephew is interested in all 5 and I can't say I was any different at his age..   He is getting Blockbuster gift cards where he can indulge in all except the drugs. Although Miss B tells me that if you go to the sandwich shop next door to Blockbuster and ask for the ‘Jamaican Special’….  I’m not saying anymore.

Music is hard to buy for other people sometimes, but here is a CD that 3 generations of my family agree RULES.  The Who: Ultimate Collection.   Mom loves it. Miss B and Houseboi appreciate their pre-punk ‘tude.   Imagine the whole family rocking ‘round the Christmas tree to Magic Bus. 

I want it I want it.

Sinatra always spans the generations, too.

And for your wonderful boyfriend, the best gift is to cheerfully agree when he suggests that he want to invite  his dear old Grandmother move in with you for the Winter so she doesn’t freeze on the South Dakota prairie.   

In return, he will buy you this.

May the dawn of the New Sun light your way to peace!

LOVE AND LIGHT, jj 

Snowflakes

Typepad has been down for maintenance.  It ain't my fault.   

Just some quick random thoughts because I have some Holiday knitting to finish:

It`s SNOWING again.

Sometimes I think that my intense dislike and distrust for our President and his buddies is an obsession and things couldnt possibly be as corrupt as I think...then it turns out that I  am right. It IS that bad.  Well, it is good to know that I am not obsessive, at least.

Do you think I watch too much Project Runway?  One of the kitties was yowling around the door yesterday.  I popped my chest out just like Heidi, tossed my hair and told kitty in a German Accent that `you are either eeeein or you`re aaaught`  Heidi and I have a lot in common.  We are both 6ft blonds that love Seal.

I am picking Nick to win it all and you remember last year I picked Jay way ahead of the final.

At Borders the syrups for all the coffee drinks come packed in these big bags of air. Barrista Miss B discovered that if she stuffed one of the bags of air under her shirt and created a pregnant look, she got better tips. She even nailed the pregnant backache stretch.  I worry about the child.

The Royals just signed 4 really good players!  I would tell you who, but some of them have unspellable Polish names.

The mailman just delivered a case of wine to the house and just when I started to get excited, we noticed it was addressed to the neighbors.  He did not understand the concept of `finders-keepers`

Today is Saint Lazarus Day, which is Cuba is called San Lazaro day, but more interesting is that in the mingling of Catholic and West African cultures, San Lazaro is also associated with the deity Babalu` Aye`, the Lord of Pestilence. Yeah, he is the same Babaloo that Ricky Ricardo sang about.

This bit of knowledge might come in handy if you are ever a contestant on Jeopardy.

Court TV`s Forensic Files has recently featured a story about the murder of Jesse Valencia. I havent seen the it, but the show inspired a new friend named Piper to send me this poem:

Your Yawning Chin:    By: Piper

So tired, and So sleepy
Time  to Tuck You in 
I'll see You soon, to say goodnite
and kiss ur yawning chin

Wipe thine eyes
and listen close, to the lullabye I sing
Rest quiet, and soft tonite
Knowing not what tomorrow brings

I return to this Cherub each nite
Resting softly aside him as he lay
knowing I'll find him every time
in Slumber just this way

In my mind I have not lost You
sleeping beauty, alive within
To me You'll wake again one day
And I'll kiss Your yawning chin

In Memorium:  Jesse James Valencia

Keep on Playing those Mind Games Forever

HMMM, just read this.  The theory is that the CIA had John Lennon assassinated by working some serious mind games on Mark David Chapman.

And who appreciated a good mind game more than John?

I don't know if I believe any of it, and I am a dedicated X-Files fan.  The shadow government is capable of anything, of course, but can you IMAGINE Yoko keeping silent about this for 25 years?

Me either.

Saturday Morning @ Target

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It's Santa!
It's a Tree!

It's SANTATREE

scary stuff from Japan

A Winter's Tale and a Grandmother's Revenge

If wishing that someone's child turns out to act just like their parent isn't a curse in many cultures, then it should be.  All you parents understand what I mean; Your child totally screws up and your own parents just smile.  I bitch to Mom about Miss B and she just says 'You were worse'

Revenge is a dish best served cold say both Klingons and Grandparents.

Ever since Miss B and Houseboi broke off their romantic liasion, Miss B has been trying her charms out on the local boys...and just between us, she may have been a little free with her charms.  Like Father like daughter, I suppose.  I can't say that I was any different at her age and you have to kiss a lot of frogs before you find your prince....or Hawk.. 

Just an example: She comes home and I say "Billy called"  and she asks "Was it Billy, Will or William?" because she is juggling all 3.

Tuesday morning, I am up early  because I have anorexics to see. My car is not in the driveway and my daughter is not in her bed. Both were last seen 8pm Monday night..."I know this guy that plays in this reggae band. Can I borrow your car?" 

"Ok" says Dad, "but take your cell phone and remember you have to be at work at 8am."

I am about to do something I rarely do: Make a long story short.

5:30 am: Dad and Hawk panic. Not answering phone. Daughter kidnapped, raped and murdered vs booty call.

8am: Daughter calls.  Booty call in Lawrence, 30 miles west but car wrecked and in ditch. Not dead, so I get to kill her myself. 'Get in Line', says Hawk.  Weatherman predicting snow.

Noon:  Daughter not home, car still in ditch. 'Friend that is mechanic will help'  3 inchs of snow

3pm: Still not home.  Mechanical friend unavailable.  Boyfriend dujour 'not being  very nice'  More snow

4pm: Hawk home.  Pissed at JJ for letting it snow and traffic is horrible.  Daughter calls in tears 'Please come get me.'    Hawk loads Expedition with food, clothes, blankets, flares and bottled water, because 'I am a responsible adult.  I grew up in South Dakota'  yada yada yada

5pm: Snowing hard. Traffic is so freaking bad. It takes 1hr to drive 7 miles 

6:10:  Arrive in Lawrence.  Freakin' blizzard! Usually a 35 minute trip.  Daughter not at the boy's home.  "She got mad and left, man"   I should have broken his nose....or worse.  Daughter discovered shivering at Mini-mart across the street wearing a thin cotton dress, chinese cloth ballet flats and a pink shawl.   Boyfriend dujour is a jerk, but she has met a cute cop, a cute college boy, cute mini-mart guy. She hopes they call. 'GET IN THE CAR!' says Dad.

AAA is called.  It's a blizzard. They are busy but will tow car  ASAP. 

7:30 Tow truck arrives giving child and me a solid hour to 'discuss' her behavior, while sitting on side of  road.  Thanks to adult Hawk, we have food and blankets.  Cute cop asks if we need assistance.  Flashing red/blue lights looks pretty thru the snow. He says 'expect 12 inches.'  I see you snickering, Jeff!

8:00  Mazda retrieved from ditch.  Wheels are more like \-\  than I-I.  Not a mechanic, but this can't be good. Tow truck guys are heroes. We head home. 25 miles.  Snow blowing hard and like diamonds in the headlights...might be pretty if I wasn't stressed.  Deep breath, live in the moment.  Radio is playing MC Hammer 'Can't Touch This'    Life is surreal.  Cars all around sliding off road or stuck.  Expedition is a TANK.

10:05 Arrive home. I have missed 'Project Runway'  Hawk concerned about frostbite on Miss B's pretty toes.  Recommends hot shower.  She agrees because cute redheaded boy from the gas station is coming over. Whatever. Actually we like this boy because he gives us the carwash codes for for free. The $7carwash!  "Tell him to bring a gallon of milk." Hawk says.

10:15  Miss B wearing a floral kimono with chopstix in hair.  Boy arrives with milk, hot cocoa and gas station candy.  He is a prince among the frogs.

Wednesday 5:15  I am up early because I have anorexics to see.  Lots more snow during night.  Gas station boy caught sneaking out of the house.  Justin's mom smiles in her sleep.