Tomorrow is that most unofficial of our National Holidays; Superbowl Sunday. Let’s say that you, my gay friend, are invited to a Superbowl party, but you are afraid that your lack of of football prowess might embarrass you in front of some cute straight guy. Does your sporting knowledge extend no farther that the sequins on Michael Weiss’ skating costumes? Don’t worry, Dr JJ can help.
I live to serve.
We are going to assume that you at least know that football is basically a war game. Each team gets 4 chances to move the ball 10 yards toward their opponent’s goal. The ball is that brown oblong thing. Ok? We are all on the same page. On to ‘THE BIG GAME’
The Oakland Raiders (AFC) are playing The Tampa Bay Buccaneers. Both teams have pirate themes on their logos, so try not to get confused. Oakland wears black and silver. Tampa Bay is in a strange color of red. The game is being played in San Diego, California, which is lovely city, but try to refrain from making any suggestive remarks about all those Marines in San Diego. If you must reference the town, mention the zoo or Old Town.
Oakland has the cuter Quarterback in Rich Gannon, although Gannon is 37 (Hi Trip) he is still hot. He can also throw the ball, which is also known as ‘passing’ When Gannon throws the ball to Jerry Rice and Jerry Rice actually catches the ball, your appropriate response is ‘Poetry, pure poetry’ Don’t worry if you miss it the first time, a completed pass will be shown over and over in instant replay. Try not to make comments during the replays like ‘Look, he caught it AGAIN!. I’ll be damned!’
Just an aside: If you happen to live in Kansas City, every time Gannon completes a pass, hang your head, moan and mutter ‘Fucking Elvis Grbac’ (Grrrr-Bok) The Chiefs dumped Gannon in ’98 for Grbac. It was a dark day in Chief’s history.
Tampa Bay’s (refer to them as ‘the Bucs’) quarterback is an all American blond named Brad Johnson. Who care? The Bucs are a defensive team, which means that they are good at stopping Gannon from throwing the ball. The Superbowl is usually won by the best defensive team, which is why the Superbowl is often the most boring football game you have ever seen. Time to cruise the straight guys.
And BTW, I hope you are drinking beer at this affair. No one is going to take you seriously as a football fan if you have asked the host for a Cosmopolitan or a mango Margarita…and don’t ask for the recipe for the Cheese-twists or the spinach dip. Although if anyone asks you a question about the game that you don’t understand, having a mouthful of spinach dip is a good defense..
Here’s a bit of interesting trivia: Last Year Jon Gruden was head coach of the Raiders, his defensive coach was a quiet guy named Bill Callahan. Gruden leaves the Raiders and goes to the Head Coaching job at Tampa Bay. Callahan takes over as head coach of the Raiders. They both take their team to the ‘Big Game’. It’s kind of like those stories of brother fighting brother during the Civil War and you can be sure the media will be making a big deal of the drama. Even if the guys are still friends and are planning to go out to dinner after the game. Winner buys.
Shania Twain is performing at the halftime show. This might be a good time to go walk the dog and get to know the fellow partygoers. Halftime is long and there is time for sexual activity. Trust me on this.
Don’t forget to pay attention to the commercials; they are usually more entertaining than the game. Last post Superbowl Monday, no one I spoke to discussed the game, but there was plenty of discussion of the ads. Of course, I was hanging with psychology grad students at the time. BTW, the New England Patriots won last year. Beat the St Louis Rams. No one ever remembers who won the Superbowl 6 months later. Feel free to impress your peers.
Well, good luck and I hope this helps. And don’t forget, the European Figure Skating Championship is next weekend. I just love Alexi Yagudin, don’t you?
Amy - 2003-01-27 08:48:56
Hi Justin, Just found your blog thanks to Queer Joe who listed you in his blog appreciation day entry (https://queerjoe.blogspot.com/2003_01_01_queerjoe_archive.html#87953392). I've taken a peek around the place and am quite impressed. Please, give us both more sex and more knitting! Pictures of both would be great.
Trip - 2003-01-27 10:11:51
So the Bowflex makes a good rack, huh? I find that my Soloflex is superb for lining up 4 or 5 ties to choose from every morning.
Tony - 2003-01-27 10:13:32
I have tears running down my cheeks from laughing so hard! I can just see you fighting your way out of that feather jungle. BTW, given your skill at knitting, might you "quilt" the comforter by laying it out on the floor, evenly distrubuting the feathers, and then sewing a few seams across it in different directions? (Just a thought) Still laughing!
JJ - 2003-01-27 16:39:18
Tony, i thought about that. One thing i read on the OVC webpage was that the way to flatten you down comforter was to whack it down with a whiffle ball bat every morning. Might be therapeutic!
Tony - 2003-01-27 21:24:57
Sure beats kicking the cat! LOL